Oh my god it's hard to write! I hate it when people whine about how difficult it is to be them and be working on a doctoral thesis, but I've hit a spot where I can't seem to get anything done. I'm wracked with guilt. I don't know if it's laziness or fear or what, but I spend the days procrastinating and hating myself. I do know one thing that works for me: deadlines. Not the kind I make up myself, but ones that have some kind of sanction attached. I honestly can't wait to have a date for presenting a paper. Then I will talk to my advisor and set up some more dates.

I just happened to glance at the examples given for the "labels of this post". Kind of like the sentences given in dictionaries and language books, they seem a bit forced: scooters, vacation, autumn. Although that does conjure up a lovely image.
My paper was accepted for one of the conferences, the other I'll hear about in August. Somewhat in connection, I've developed an obsession for acquiring a minilaptop, ultraportable, or whatever they're called. Characteristically, I've justified this craving in many ways, of which I will now present the highlights in the form of 1-5 lists: first, why getting one is a really really good idea:

1. Apparently, they're more durable than a regular laptop. (Some of the reasons for getting an ultraportable (I like that word, kind of reminds me of ultraviolence and I'm a big fan of Anthrony Burgess) are actually derived from the reasons I prefer having a desktop to a regular laptop.)
2. They are actually small and light enough to bother lugging around.
3. It's got everything I need to lug around (see following lists of what I'd do with it).
4. It's got Linux. I like Linux, so buying one with Linux is a way of supporting Linux and all that is right in the world.
5. The price is not bad. A person with a normal income could just go out and buy one without all this whining to justify it.

What I'd do with it. Jobwise first, because duty comes before pleasure. (I like doing things in the alphabetic order)

1. I could work on texts when away from my desktop computer(s). Now I write on printouts and then type the corrections in later. What a drag!
2. I could make notes on it, instead of scribbling by hand things I can't even read later, and that only if I'm lucky enough to find them.
3. I could use it to show powerpoints when I present papers at all these conferences I'm apparently going to. It seems bringing a memorystick just isn't enough these days.
4. I could access all my files from anywhere. (see reason #1. If I accidentally print out version 17 instead of 18, there's not much I can do about it afterwards.)
5. Having access to e-mail and the internet would mean I'd stay in touch with all those people sending out calls for papers and offering scholarships and opportunities to perform various academic oddjobs. Also, I've noticed that if you have a laptop, there's free internet everywhere, airports, cafes, hotels... but if you don't have one, it's either 5$ for 5 minutes (if you're lucky) or you have to sneak around universities you're not actually enrolled in...

Emotional reasons and fun:

1. I could chat and skype and stay in touch with loved ones. (it even has a webcam =))
2. I could pass the time surfing the www.
3. It has games on it.
4. It's so cute!! There are pink ones available!!!
5. I could write blogposts and update my facebook status, so no-one forgets about me.

So there you go. Now, if some company would like to use these words for marketing purposes in exchange for a free UMPC, I'm willing to negotiate, but it has to be pink.

if all goes according to plan, this year will be one of conferences and networking. i just spoke about my research at a professional meeting, i've submitted a paper for a conference in san francisco later in the year and i'm working on (white lie, but the deadline is still way off) another proposal. cool. i feel more professional already. at the same time, i have that nasty feeling that if i go to the conference and give a paper, i will be found out. in my bipolar approach i move between feeling like a total fraud and a total genius. from what i hear this is not that unusual.

my students make me feel very young and very old at the same time. old, because they are so young and young, because i feel too young to be an authority figure. how very liminal. it isn't lack of confidence, just a strange inability to define my relative status. in the department i can be young and wear a hello kitty sweater and pink sweat pants, but i have tried to dress more neutrally while lecturing. perhaps when i finish my doctorate i will embrace my new status and the experience, wisdom, and authority will flow naturally.

Uusi vuosi, uudet kujeet

we're now more than a month into the new year, and already i have several things to put on my accomplishment list. i did complete that proof reading thing. i did not present a paper in the seminar in december, but did present it in january, so that's okay. so. on 'riting, i plan to modify the chapter i presented, prepare another to present in april, and meanwhile work on one of the ethnography chapters. i will also finish that article i've been working on since 2005. reading, still reading. cannot get through taussig. cannot remember the parts already gotten through. and finally, 'rithmatic, or other, teaching-related, projects that hopefully augment the numbers in my bank account.

the winter is coming and the nights are getting darker. this is draining my energy, which eventually leads to depression over work not done. in an attempt to see the situation more clearly, i will list my accomplishments. i am supposed to be a) writing my aforementioned dissertation b) reading texts that pertain to said dissertation and c) completing other projects.

today i looked at the project (proofreading) worked for a while and then stopped after i got too anxious to continue (or is that proof reading? thank good for google). i haven't read anything over the past couple of days, but i have moved the books around. the pile that was on the left is now on the right and the book that was on the kitchen table has been removed to the vestibule. i am feeling more confident on the writing, though. i opened a new document, which shall be home to the paper i will present in december. perhaps after posting this blog entry i shall add my name, the title of the dissertation, "draft of chapter 4".

other significant developments include joining facebook and buying a usb memory stick. i am being social and upgrading my technology. i like my memorystick, it's cute and pink and its 2 mb are way more than i actually need. i'm scared i'll break it, though, it's my first memorystick and i don't have any experience with how fragile they are.

disclaimers, clarifications, and a proposal

I'm having a hard time justifying having a blog. I don't really see the point of everybody having a newspaper column and a blog. Then again, why not?
A couple of explanations: the psychotic title has particular meaning for me. It has to do with my work, and no, I'm not a serial killer. I marked my profession in the profile section as non-profit, this is true in a very concrete sense. Actually I suppose something along the lines of 'student' or 'science' would have been more accurate, but fuck Grice, what does he know?
Mainly, here's the deal: I am writing my dissertation. This is stressful. To help alleviate the stress, I decided to start a blog to bitch, whine and complain about all that is wrong with the world. I don't get out much, so at this point I'm thinking along the lines of, "why people don't respect the bicycle lanes" and "can you believe the hypocricy of MTV." Also people who can't spell should look for cover.